To Ink or Not to Ink, that is the question…

*scratch scratch scratch scratch itch itch itch itch*

I just celebrated my birthday a few days ago, and as a gift to myself (this is my second time doing it), I treated myself to another tattoo. Yes, you read that right, another tattoo. 

I decided on my most recent piece sometime around June or July of this year, so about three months ago. I was still recovering from my broken ankle (a blog post for another time), and was still hobbling around in my walking boot with a cane. 

I marched - well, as best as one *can* march with a broken ankle - into the tattoo place and asked to talk to someone about getting a half sleeve. The guy at the front counter (Danny– check out his work here) was very nice as I described all of my requirements; I wanted a dream catcher, roses, feathers, an owl, and a moon on the back of my right shoulder. I told him the colors I wanted, the placement, and the reason why I wanted the moon tattoo in that particular location. Danny was great; he made some comments about how he could make that work, took down my info, and booked an appointment for 3 days before my birthday. Perfect. 

You’re probably wondering why I’m going into all this detail about getting this tattoo. Well, in the days and weeks leading up to getting this work done, I was thinking a lot about why I wanted a tattoo, what I would recommend to others who may want a tattoo, how I would respond when my mother would voice her inevitable disappointment, etc. And I realized that getting my tattoos and going through that process is one of the most authentic things I have done for myself. When I realized that, I had to go deeper and ask myself why. 

I got my first tattoo on my birthday back in 2019. I had been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo for several years, and decided to finally commit to it after many months of thinking about the exact design I wanted. 

The inspiration behind my first tattoo came from a poem I first encountered in high school called Invictus by the poet William Ernest Henley. Given that I am also a Henley, I like to pretend that I am distantly related to a semi-famous person (and who knows, maybe I actually am). 

The poem goes like this: 

Out of the night that covers me

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul.

As a shy, introverted 16 year old, this poem intimidated and alarmed me; it seemed too aggressive, self-interested, and unyielding for my tastes, especially the ‘whatever gods may be’ part. But I still couldn’t get it out of my head.

Years later, as an adult going through a painful divorce, coming across this poem felt (and still feels) very fitting for what I was going through. I was trying to get a handle on who I was, what my life was going to look like, and coming to terms with the fact that because I was *not* taking accountability and ownership for honoring my authentic self, my choices lead to some of the most painful years of my life. 

I wanted this new tattoo to remind me that going forward, I wanted to live my life and make my decisions with the mindset that I AM the master of my fate, and I have the capacity within me to live differently, and to rise to the occasion and create the life I really wanted. Even the placement was important to me; I wanted it on my lower right leg, creeping up my right calf up to my knee, because I’ve been having chronic pain in my right knee for the past ten years, and I wanted the pain to be a reminder that I had some beautiful artwork on my body to represent my new perspective on life. 

*scratch scratch scratch scratch itch itch itch itch*

Now, my second tattoo, I got as a ‘half birthday present’ in April of 2022. I have always liked sleeves and half sleeves, so I wanted my second tattoo to be on my arm with strong lines going from top to bottom. I have also always wanted art done on my left forearm (I had gotten several burns and scars on that part of my arm when I was a kid, and I like the idea of covering it up, while bringing attention to my forearm). In terms of colors, I thought about different themes within nature that I was always drawn to, and what came to mind for me were aspen trees. 

I love strong, tall white aspen trunks. I love the shape and color of aspen leaves and how they flutter in the wind. And the genus and species of aspen trees were the only ones I could remember from the panic-attack inducing tree-and-leaf project I had to do for a biology class in high school (Populus tremuloides, if you care to know. ;) ) 

This brought me back to the idea of looking for some form of poetry that evoked that kind of imagery, and lo and behold, my absolute favorite poet, Robert Frost, penned the following poem: 

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Ooof, let me tell you, this poem hit me HARD. It was so perfect for the tattoo that I wanted, but it hit a chord within me, especially the line “So Eden sank into grief”. I had lost my cousin (who was like a brother to me) to suicide about a year and a half prior, and this poem brought my grief to the forefront of my mind, begging the question of what it means to grieve, and how to reconcile the feelings of grief you have with the expectations society places on you of how to do it appropriately (another blog post for another time). 

Almost two years later, and I get compliments on this tattoo virtually once a week, I absolutely love it. Every time I see it in the mirror, for that glimmer of a moment, I feel beautiful and sexy and powerful, which is a feeling we could all benefit from experiencing more regularly in our lives. 

And finally, for my third and most recent tattoo, I decided I wanted another half sleeve on my other arm, and wanted to incorporate more cool colors with more of a New Mexico feel. Lately, I’ve been really thinking about what my life is going to look like in the next 5, 10, 15 years, and whether or not I’ll stay in New Mexico, or where I’ll go next, or what is the best decision for my future. So I wanted some ink that reminds me of home (my aspen tree really helps with that too), but from a different perspective. 

I decided to go with dream catchers because, in the spirit of authentic vulnerability, I still have bad dreams about my ex at least once a week, and even though my logical brain tells me that dream catchers don’t affect the neurotransmitters in my brain, I liked the idea of having a dream catcher on my arm to ward away the bad dreams. So far, I haven’t really noticed a difference, but I am still optimistic. ;) 

Now that I’ve had two tattoos that were based on poetry, I have to continue with the theme, of course. So I found a great poem by Clariel Estevez about dream catchers that really resonated with me. 

Dreamcatcher, guard my sleep

Keep the demons away from me. 

For tonight, I want to dream,

With the things this world could be. 

If we color the pitch black souls

And replace their hateful cores. 

I believe there is still hope, 

For this world to change its course. 

And move towards a path of love

With no hatred, fear or war. 

Oh Dreamcatcher, let me dream

Because real nightmares

Is what we live in. 

If this poem doesn’t speak to the world we live in, especially the ‘hatred, fear or war’ part, I don’t know what does. 

But even more than that, this poem is a reminder for me that when I’m tempted to feel cynical, bitter, or jaded, that there is always hope, and that one of my greatest strengths is my ability to dream and be hopeful for something better for myself and everyone around me. 

So, three poems, three different tattoos, and about $4000.00 later, that is the story of my tattoos. 

But what does this have to do with authenticity, you may ask? 

With all three of these pieces, I took a lot of time to think about it, and to consider why these themes were important to me, what I wanted to be reminded of, and what it would be like to have these themes on my body for the rest of my life. I had to wrestle with the permanency of it, and with that wrestling came the knowledge of what I *really* liked and why I liked it, from colors to images to placement to how the tattoos made me feel. As someone who is struggling to come back to my own authenticity, who has a hard time answering the question ‘what do you like to do for fun’, asking these questions of myself was eye-opening in ways I had never considered before. 

Furthermore, deciding to go through with the tattoos anyway, to transition from ink-free to permanently-inked-forever-with-no-turning-back, I had to come to terms with the fact that some people may not like my choice or decision, especially my parents, which was a tough pill for me to swallow. As a recovering people pleaser, the idea of the important people in my life not being 100% on board with my decision was an uncomfortable feeling to sit in. I had to decide for myself whether or not having a tattoo was worth the risk of disappointing others was worth it to me, versus the feeling of pride and satisfaction I might gain for being willing to make such a permanent decision. Was I okay with doing something that was 100% just for me, and choosing to let the disappointment of others not matter? 

So, to conclude, tattoo regret is definitely real, but if you are considering the idea of getting inked, I highly encourage you to consider it. Not because it’s cool or popular, but because you want to do something for *you*, something that’s beautiful and meaningful and makes you feel more like the beautiful, kind, intelligent, badass that you are. 

However, fair warning, if you get a tattoo, be prepared for a lot of itching. ;) 

*scratch scratch scratch scratch itch itch itch itch*

-Lauren